Day 881

To begin with, let me share the lengths to which I will go to reclaim my sanity. Sitting in my email are approximately eighty papers on World War I written by my 7th grade social studies students. And while clearly that is what I should be attending to right now, I find myself at home on my own, my little cherub in bed, my impressively busy husband (meant in the best way, I seriously am impressed with the number of activities he’s involved in) at church practicing with the Chancel Choir. So here I am, shirking my duties as a teacher in order to start the long process of feeling more like myself again.

Exactly when, you may ask, did I stop being “myself” and become someone else entirely? I’d estimate that the transformation began approximately 881days ago, when my daughter, Magnolia Joy, was born. As cliche as I know this description is, the concept of self goes out the window the moment that teeny, squirmy bundle is placed in your arms, and I think that goes for both moms and dads. There is just simply no other thing in the world that’s as important. Now, God or nature, whatever you choose to believe in, created this response in parents for clear evolutionary reasons; a species that fails to protect its children is probably not destined to be around for very long. But here’s the catch: 881 days later, that self I used to be pretty happy with — the one who walked around with poetry in her head instead of a to-do list, who stayed up past 10 pm and was easily convinced to sing karaoke, who could actually think of an answer when asked what her interests are — she’s still gone. And as I feel pretty thoroughly morphed into a frazzled stereotype of a “Mommy” (not to mention that I’m about 118 days from holding another teeny, squirmy bundle) I’m not convinced I’m ever going to be that other person again.

Trust me, I have a lot more to say, but it’s a week night, and time is in short supply as always. This is just a beginning, but it’s a good one- one I can be proud of, because I did it for me.

Day 881 Mommy Moment: Taking pictures of Maggie’s reaction to Beauty and the Beast. Annoying? Definitely. Can I stop myself? Absolutely not.
              

2 thoughts on “Day 881

  1. Berni says:

    I love you and you are an amazing wonderful woman. Being realistic, you may never be exactly the person you were pre-magnolia, but that doesn't mean you won't grow into something even better. You will always be a mom. You will be 60 and still thinking of yourself as a mom (and maybe a grandma too) but your role will evolve into so many other things as well. Continue your date nights. Take vacations sans kids and love yourself as much as we all love you!

    Like

  2. Beth Dunn says:

    I think what you're doing is so important, J. I strongly believe that taking care of YOU is part of taking care of Maggie (and soon, #2). So many moms and dads end up feeling guilty or selfish for considering themselves in addition to their children, but I think it's all part of being a healthy, thriving human being. I also don't think it's SO bad for the little people to see that you do other things and have other interests, and that they are not, after all, the only people on Earth. Anyway, I still see my Jenny who I love in there, and I hope one day you can feel it again too. You inspire me daily, and I love you.

    Like

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